Structure and Goal Setting

My chest feels tight. The usual feeling that I've become accustomed to over the past few months is that of a person twice my size standing on my ribcage. Now my heart feels like it’s going to drop out of my chest. The future is giving me too much anxiety. I know it's not the future itself that gives me anxiety, but a want for immediate results. To skip forward a year and put all my accomplishments on display for others. That's what I need to overcome – the constant need for validation.

I was sitting at my desk writing out my goals when it hit me. The list kept getting longer, and with each additional line, the timeline stretched further, and my chest became tighter. Debt. A new place. Improving myself. Dating again. Being a better co-parent and Father. Travel. Each one is reasonable on its own. Together, a tangled web of lost time, I don't see myself completing in less than four years. I don't have that time to spare.

I’m a practical person. Realistic timelines for the goals that I set come naturally to me. The issue comes when I know my goals will require a significant investment of time. I am also a bit impatient when it comes to me, myself, and I. If it’s something I have full control over, I want it sooner rather than later. Currently, the goal of paying down my debt and getting a new place is tied together in my mind. “I can't do Y until after X is done” is how I usually think of my goals. I can’t do an asynchronous goal if my life depended on it. This frame of thinking is limiting me from doing the things I need to do.

I was diagnosed with ADHD by my original therapist some months back. What that looks like for me is a finished list, a clear plan, then nothing. A paralyzing sense of being overwhelmed that sits between planning and taking action. I can see every goal clearly. I know the exact order they need to happen in, the realistic timeline, down to the exact steps. But I sit there. It's not that I don't care. There are just too many points, and I don't know where to start because nowhere feels like the right choice. This is stagnation. I’d been calling it laziness my whole life. The distinction here matters because one is a character flaw, the other is a pattern in a cycle. That cycle can be broken. Structure is what will do it. One thing at a time. Not a list of ten goals running parallel, but a single thread I can follow without losing it, daily.

I'm slowly improving day to day, keeping my mind on the task in front of me. Not getting distracted by thoughts of the past or things and people that should no longer concern me. When this is all said and done, in a year, I can look back at the hard work that I have put in. The only person who needs to give me validation will be me at that time.

The work I do doesn't need an audience. It only needs me to show up for myself.